Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
