He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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