So drunk its hurt
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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