I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
How's work?
Spinning.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
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