I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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