i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
