Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
