I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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