Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
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