I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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