i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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