I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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