if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
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