you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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