Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
