But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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