Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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