How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Don't make out with my wife yet
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
