i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
