i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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