I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
