non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
