Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
