Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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