I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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