i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
