New low: just hacked my moms facebook
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
