WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
