she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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