I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
