Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
