Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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