You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
