How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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