It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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