tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize
