There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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