Even the bartender felt bad for me
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
