if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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