Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
