I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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