Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
