...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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