New low: just hacked my moms facebook
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
me + whiskey = a bad person
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
