I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
