The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
