It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
So. Much. Porn.
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