My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
