I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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