I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
