so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
