I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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