my mouth tastes like poor choices
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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