I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
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